This Is For All The SHort People
by LauranTheBiscotti
Summary: No, I don't mean dwarves,you twit! This i s a few one-shots I wrote while writing IN THE END coming Sunday,June 13,2010 . They're a bit silly but I luuurve them. And I'll add more as I,well,write more. Please R&R ! xoxo Lauran
1. Chapter 1

This is a quick one-shot idea I had for when,in SITNOP,Uncle Eddie says one of his codpieces was stolen from him.

One-shot.

I own nothing nor do I claim to ...but I sure wish I did,DTL,yum yum !

(( Everything is Louise Rennison's ))

**baldyporn**

**Sunday,August 7th**

**10.15p**

Dad and the Baldy-o-gram are arsing about laughing and giggling like ninnies in the front room.

Then Dad yelled upstairs "Georgia,my dove,your pater and his friend are engaged in a very serious business matter,would you get another couple of cans from the wine may know it as the 'fridge'.Thank you so much."

I just shouted down "Not in a million years,O Portly One."

He shouted back "I will give you a fiver."

Huh,as if bribery is going to make me his slavey girl.

**Two Minutes Later**

When I went into the front room with the cans of lager,Dad was lying on the sofa like a great bearded whale.

Uncle Eddie winked at me as I came in.

Dad said "So ,Eddie,what is your life like,now that you are a sex symbol?"  
Uncle Eddie belched (charming),and said, "Well, Bob,Georgia,it has got its ups and downs like most celebrity instance,last night I got mobbed by women in the chippie after the gig .Which is I got fre chips and a pickeld egg,but on the other hand,when I got home I found they had bloody stolen my only flavored codpice I had.I have to have them handmade,you know."

I did not want to know, at ALL, but Dad asked "What flavor was it then?" and Uncle Eddie said,

" know how women drool over hot meat." and they both laughed.

Oh, how vair,vair I have been exposed to every sort of porn in this house,moldyporn,kittyporn,and now baldyporn.


	2. Baldy Porn

This is a quick one-shot idea I had for when,in SITNOP,Uncle Eddie says one of his codpieces was stolen from him.

One-shot.

I own nothing nor do I claim to ...but I sure wish I did,DTL,yum yum !

(( Everything is Louise Rennison's ))

**baldyporn**

**Sunday,August 7th**

**10.15p**

Dad and the Baldy-o-gram are arsing about laughing and giggling like ninnies in the front room.

Then Dad yelled upstairs "Georgia,my dove,your pater and his friend are engaged in a very serious business matter,would you get another couple of cans from the wine may know it as the 'fridge'.Thank you so much."

I just shouted down "Not in a million years,O Portly One."

He shouted back "I will give you a fiver."

Huh,as if bribery is going to make me his slavey girl.

**Two Minutes Later**

When I went into the front room with the cans of lager,Dad was lying on the sofa like a great bearded whale.

Uncle Eddie winked at me as I came in.

Dad said "So ,Eddie,what is your life like,now that you are a sex symbol?"  
Uncle Eddie belched (charming),and said, "Well, Bob,Georgia,it has got its ups and downs like most celebrity instance,last night I got mobbed by women in the chippie after the gig .Which is I got fre chips and a pickeld egg,but on the other hand,when I got home I found they had bloody stolen my only flavored codpice I had.I have to have them handmade,you know."

I did not want to know, at ALL, but Dad asked "What flavor was it then?" and Uncle Eddie said,

" know how women drool over hot meat." and they both laughed.

Oh, how vair,vair I have been exposed to every sort of porn in this house,moldyporn,kittyporn,and now baldyporn.


	3. Birthday Suprises

This was wrote in 5 minutes so sorry it's choppy and short.

But it's a one-shot, so..yeah,I guess it's supposed to be that way.

I do not own anything here you reconize, i.e. Georgia,Dave the Laugh, Vati,or the Voley Ones (i.e. JasNToM)...Louise Rennison does !

Please R&R !

**BIRTHDAY****SUPRISES**

**Sunday,September 18th**

**8am**

Woke up at the crack of dawn by a madman in the form of my dear Vati.

I had my pillow over my head and the light was off,clearly indicating I was tying to sleep and that would everyone please GO AWAY but he ignored it (quelle suprise) and bounded in like the bounder he is, pulled up the shades and ripped the pillow off my head.

"Good morning!How are you feeling on this fine Fall day?"

"Dead."

He laughed and said "Your mother is making breakfast so get your arse downstairs." and he actually skipped, yes I said SKIPPED,out of the room.

He must die.

**15 Seconds Later**

Did he say Mum actually was making breakfast?

Got dressed and went downstairs.

Mum was in the kitchen stirring a pot and Libby was under the table combing Angus' hair with Mum's hairbrush.

Felt too tired to say anything,though.I sat down at the table instead and said "What's wrong?"  
Mum turned around and gave me A Look.

"What do you mean?"

"Mum, the only time you cook is ...well, something must be did that replacement family I rang for ages ago finally show up?"  
Mum threw the spoon at me.

Dad came in,not skipping thank Buddha, and snogged Mum then sat down at the table.

He usually reads the footie scores in the morning but scariest of all things scary-he wanted to TALK.

"So,Gee,any big plans today?"

I looked at him "Who are you and what have you done with my Vati?"

He laughed though and ruffled my hair, and he knows how much I hate it when he does that.I'm going to have to wash my hair again.

Mum set down a plate of soldiers in front of Dad and said "Why don't you go out with your little mates,today?I'll even give you some extra spending money."

I looked at her suspiciously. "You're not pregnant are you?"

But she just smiled and said "Don't be stupid." and went out .

I looked at Dad "if she is, I'm blaming this entirely on the the how many other poor unsuspecting men she's taking advantage of."

Dad's face got red. "What do you mean take-" but Mum came in with her set it down on the table and handed me a tenner. Yes!

"Don't spend it all at once!"

"Fanks,Mum."

I grabbed some soldiers, kissed Mum on the cheek and ran out the dor.

As I was closing the door,I could hear Dad say to Mum "Connie,what does she mean, other men you've taken adavantage of ?"  
Tee hee.

**9am,Walking To Jas'**

What a perfect, beautiful day!

The sun is shining, the birds are tweeting, and I have 10 extra pounds for spendulies!

I could almost skip.

But I'm not a twit.

**10 Minutes Later**

Speaking of which.

Jas was already out her gate and skipping down the road ahead of me.

She really has got a giganticus bottomus.I don't see how she can carry it around, it's so bloody HUGE.

She was skipping along but she was slow (probably from having to haul her giant arse around) and I caught up to her quite quickly.

"Bon jour,mon pally!"

"Oh, it's you."

I put my arm around her. "i know you act like you're all tough and suprised to see me, but I know deep down you lurrve my wittnosity and beautosity and sophisticosity which is quite hard to say."

She stopped short. "What?"

"Sophesticosity. Try to say it three times fast, bet you can't-Sophesticosity,Sophesticosity,Sophes-"

She put her hand over my mouth untill I shut up before she removed it.

"Your hands smell like vegetables."

"I've been with Tom-"

"Oh that explains EVERYTHING." and laughed but she didn' just stood there, hands on her hips, looking at me.

"What?"

"Is everything funny to you?"

"yes, especially your 's all look like a rabid poodle."

She put her hand up to fix it but stopped short.

"Georgia, just because your life is miserable doesn't mean you have to make mine the same."

She paused.

"Why are you up so early anyways?Your mum got a new boyfriend?"

I put my arm around her shoulder and started walking again."Oh, haha."

Jas raised her eyebrows.

"No, actually,I've got 10 extra pounds and no one to spend it with."

"Ah, quelle dillema."

"Oui."

"So what are you going to spend it on,then?"

"Well, mon ami,as it's my birthday today and NO ONE has seemed to remember,I am forced to go to sheer desperadoes and buy MYSELF a new lipstick."

Jas rolled her eyes but followed me into Miss Selfridge's.

**9:45am**

Well, it took alot, but I finally decided on a red lipstick that when you put it on it makes you look like you don't even have any on, but in a good way,like supermodels wear on the cat walk.

And I have 3.50 pounds left!

I looked at Jas. "What next?"

She shrugged. "it's your money."

"Yes ,but I am bound and determined to share it with you, mon gros ami, so where to?"

"I heard Costa Rico's got a new coffee-hazelnut sounds good."

"Alrighty then, let's giddyup" I said in my best Hamburgese accent.

Jas looked at me "Are you getting sick?"

"No, that was a Hamburgese accent."

Jas laughed. "Oh yeah,that was the Rawhide stools? And your Dad kept falling off?" and she laughed like a loon. Which she is.

I said "Jas, your spaceship has landed, please get in." and she shoved me off the pavement.

**10:15am**

Sitting sipping coffee and watching the world go by when I suddenly had a thought.

"What were you doing with Tom this morning anyways?"

Jas jumped up, sloshing coffee all over herself. "Holy cricket, I forgot!"

She handed me her drink, said "Clean that will you?" and dashed off out the cofeehouse and down the street.

Huh.  
Now what?

**2pm**

Walked around town a bit but got hungry so was forced to go -Door came and told me that if I didn't get Angus out of his yard,he'll turn him in to Animal Control.

As I walked up I noticed two things. One,a clown car and a pre-war motorbike had run over the trash bins, meaning Grandad and Uncle Eddie are here, and also Angus was out front, pooing on Mr.-Next-Door's lawn.

Hmmmm...

**10 Seconds Later**

Hid low along the garage so Mr-Next-Door wouldn't see me, and went in through the back door.

Went to the living room, where Mum,Vati and the rest of the loons were hiding behind the couch and the Ace Gang were in the hallway.

I walked up behind Rosie and said "Who are you waiting for?"

She screamed and jumped about 10 feet in the was bloody a hairy loon hitting number 4 on the spaz scale (which she is, and did).

Jas bobbed up from behind a plant and said "Well, I guess it's too late to yell suprise now."

They had remembered my birthday after all !

**2:30pm**

Brilliant time!

Turns out Jas and Mum had planned this ages ago ;I just never knew it.

Jas was being annoying, jumping up and down and clapping and saying "And you didn't suspect a thing!" till I pushed her head-over-arse over the back of the couch.

Luckily she landed on her butt and bounced right back up on her feet again.

Everyone was there, Even Tom and Sven and Dave.

But the best part was the real birthday suprise-Mum called in the hunky redecorator she had over when Dad was gone,Shem or Shemp or whatever his name was, and he re-did my whole room !

Mum was being all mysterioso at first, saying "Why don't you take your friends up to your room?"

I said "They've all seen it before."

Dave said "I haven't,Kitty Kat."

Mum looked at me and mouthed "Kitty Kat?" which was when I decided now would be a good time to go.

I didn't even realize what had been done untill Shem opened the door for me and winked.

At first I thought he and Mum had done something horrible in there.

But it had been COMPLETELY re done.

The walls had been painted white, with pink and purple (my fav. colors) of different rug had been tore up for a wood floor, and pink and purple shag rugs, and the bed had been rasied, like a sort of bunk bed, but instead of another bed underneath, there was a desk, and cabinets.

So when I sit at my desk 'doing my homework' [i.e. filing my nails and reading Mum's Cosmo] I could see directly outside!

_Tres_ fab!

I almost felt like crying, and really did when Sven picked me up and swung me round untill he let go and I landed on Dave.

Our faces were 2 inches apart.

Dave smiled his slow sexy smile and said "I knew you'd fall for me." and snogged me on the spot, in front of EVERYONE.

THE END


	4. The Pencil People

One-shot of the day when Libby and her Mutti and Vati went to the pencil factory,and what transpired.

I don't remember the days as I don't have the books,waaa, but I put it in the summer because..well,it's my birthday!

This is ALL from Gee's Mum POV

I don't own Georgia,etc...Louise Rennison does !

Please R&R

**THE PENCIL PEOPLE**

**Sunday,1st August**

**8am**

Up early to get lined up to go to the Pencil Factory.I was going to wear my new leather skirt but I think Georgia has nicked it again so I am going to have to settle on black leather pants,black ankle boots and my favorite belly shirt that's white and says "HOTTY" in big,pink sparkly letters across the front.

If Gee hasn't got .

**9am**

Bob was snoring as I left the room so I didn't even think to suspect him when I was rooting through Gee's closet looking for my top.

He snuck up behind me, and grabbed my breasts saying "Honkkkk,honkkk".

I turned around "Honestly, you're going to regret that."

"You think?" He had a big sloppy smile and I knew what he wanted ..but instead I gave him a titty twister. "Yep."

He fell to his knees "Ow,woman that's cruel!Don't be cruel,ahauh" and he started off in his Elvis hilarious.

**9.30a**

Damn, all our laughing and carrying on has woken sat up in bed and yelled "Will you stop being so damned childish and GET OUT!"

Bob placed his imaginary air guitare on the floor and said "This is OUR house and if I remember correctly, this is part of OUR house so no,we will not get messed up my grooove,mannnn."

Georgia threw a pillow at him but missed.

"I think just for that you should hang the laundry while we're out."

"Where are you going and are you taking your mad younger daughter with you?"  
"We're going to the pencil factory and yes,she's coming along too."

Libby ran in and started jumping on Georgia's bed "We gonna see the pencil people!"

I asked Georgia if she would like to come but she just stared at me.

I wonder about her intelligence sometimes.

But I did manage to find my brown suede ankle boots.

**11am**

On the way to the pencil factory.I asked Georgia if she wanted to come along over breakfast of toast and XOXO but she said "This will all end in tears." whatever that Liberty is so wanted to wear her Pocahontas costume and her deely boppers. She is pretending she's a bee and points at things and shouts ":Bzz!" and we have to yell back "Bzzz bzz."

**1pm**

When we got there the first thing Libby said when we walked through the door was "Where are all the pencil people?"

I pointed out the busy men and women making pencils and she threw a fit.I think she thought there were going to be people are literlaly pencils.

She only calmed down after the head of the factory,John Farber,promised her a prezzie.

**7pm**

Well,it could have gone could have gone alot better,too.

We took Liberty through the factory,showing her how the pencils are made and the wood is shaved down and the first thing she wanted to do was make her own told her no and she started screaming so we gave her a bit of wood .Bertha,the head,said "It should be about 4 inches long and as wide as your little nostril."

Libby looked at her, then promplty started grabbing pencils and putting them up her Gorgey at Casualty pulled out 7 pencils in we got home Gee was locked in her room,probably reading MY Cosmo.

When she finally came down stairs we told her how the tour went and she actually blamed she's grounded for a said "I tried to warn you,you know." .

I don't know where she gets that smart mouth of hers.


	5. Ach, Now,Ve Are Going On Un Fahrt!

**Hello!**

**Yes,I AM alive! But my computer isn't...it has finally given up on me and my late-hour tapping away at it's keyboard, and has commited suicide.I think it had it out for me since I first spent 10 hours straight,typing fanfics,fuelled on coffee and that marshmallow creme stuff ...When it sees me coming, I swear it thinks "Oh, goody, here comes Lauran... time to go on the fritz!" .It refuses to print, then spits about a zillion papers at me, it hums and whines,but then when I take it in to be looked at or I get my husband to look at it,it works perfectly; no noise at ALL.**

**But then,one day it I turned it on,it booted right up,and I thought "Yes,it's finally going to cooperate!" when...notihng comes up.**

**I have to COMPLETELY wipe the drive,re-instlal Windows 7,etc now.**

**So the short of my nub (oo-er!) is...I lost EVERYTHING...my poems, my fanfics...EVERYTHING and I am beyooooond mad!**

**I had a fanfic on there,4 'books' long, plus the ones that I had posted on FF...finished and finalized with 2 more follow-up 'books' !**

**GRRRRRR**

**So,I am resorting to my little bros' computer, and short one-shot now.**

**I dunno about later because...well,yeah.**

**I hope this will tide you over from the wonderfulness of moi (ahahaha),for now,**

**xoxo (in a strictly NON-lesbian way),**

**Lauran**

**Thursday,October 19th**

**Physics**

Today Herr Kamyer is talking to us about chemical reactions.

Why? I thought he was supposed to teach us Physics...whatever that means.

An any rate,Herr Kamyer was unusually twitchy yellow.

Did you know they make canary-yellow lederhosen with matching suspenders?

Well,they do.

He looked like a great yellow,twitchy banana.

Or...something else that is yellow.

And twitchy.

But what was I saying before I so rudely interuupted myself?

Oh yes, chemical reactions.

Herr Kamyer was going on in his naff,twitchy was saying "So,vhen der reactants are mixed together in a reaction vessel and aer heated, the vole of reactants do not get converted into the products,and after some time der opposing reactions will have equal reaction rates, creating a dynamic equilibrium in which der ratio between reactants and products will appear fixed. This ees called chemical equilibrium."

I raised my hand.

"Yes-" twitch,twitch -"Georgia?"

"But where does the vole come into this?"  
He looked at me all blinky. "Vat?"

"The vole,Herr Kamyer."

He looked at me blankly.

"You know,little brown thing, with a squiggly nose and big teeth,like P. Green."

He still looked confused so I said "You said,and I quote '-vhen der reactants are mixed together in a reaction vessel and dar heated, the vole of reactants do not get converted into the products,and after some time der opposing reactions will have equal reaction rates, creating a dynamic equilibrium in which der ratio between reactants and products will appear fixed. This is called chemical equilibrium..' so what happened to the vole?"

Oh, how we silently.

Eventually, Herr Kamyer went on and started writing on the board as he talked.

He wrote 3K+ ClO3- + 2Al - Al2O3 + K+ Cl-

I said "Is that Miss Slim's stats?".

Herr Kamyer turned red. Tee hee.

"Ach,no dis is der formula."

I said brightly "For what?"  
"For der powders for flashing."

Rosie called out "Oy,you I am not that type of girl,you naughty minx!" but Herr Kamyer didn't get the hilarosity of it.

**23 Minutes Later**

Slim came and yelled at us or being so loud,threating us with the usual beheadings,thumbscrews,etc..

After we had calmed down (a bit) Herr Kameyer told us "Ach, now,ve are going on _un Fahrt_!"

Oh,how we laughed.

Eventually we were able to get ahold of ourselves (o-er!) and we all trooped out to the back field.

The Ace Gang, minus Jas of course,who was too busy being a swot and teachers' bum-holey kisser, linked arms and sang "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of PANTS!"

We walked for a bout ten minutes before we stopped in front of an old barn.

I said "Is this you've hid the vole then?"

But he ignored me.

Huh.

"This is der place for to make der flashing.I show you now."

And he took off his all screamed and covered our eyes but then Herr Kamyer said "Ach,it is ok,I have got my _Krachlederne_ !"

**3 Minutes Later**

Rosie was the only one brave enough to look round.

She deals (OK,snogs) with Sven on a daily basis,and he's from Norweigia,and that's near as damnit to Germany (I think).

So she is used to the mad German-type _Volk._

At any rate, she looked round then said "Phwwooar,Herr Kamyer."

We looked was wearing shorts that were green and erm...wool.

I said 'Good Lord,he must have had a visit from Maisie!" and Rosie said "I don't know, I quite like his hairy legs give me the Horn badly!"

I made Ellen switch me places.

**15 Minutes Later**

Oh,so this is what Herr Kamyer meant by flashing !

He means that exploding flash powder stuff,nothing to do with nunga-nungas.

I am sure P. Green is dissappointed.

I said to Jas "Maybe he'll get the measurements wrong, and he'll blow up P. Green and Stalag 14 !"

But Jas just went "Shhhhhh..." like she really cared about what Herr Kamyer was saying.

What a bum-holey kisser.

Herr Kamyer was saying "Large quantities should never be mixed in a single batch. Large quantities var not only more difficult to handle safely, but they place innocent bystanders vithin the area at risk. No matter the quantity, care must always be taken to prevent any electrostatic discharge or friction during mixing or handling, as these may cause accidental ignition."

When there was a hissing sound.

Herr Kamyer threw the powder stuff and we all ran screaming back into Stalag 14.

**5 Minutes Later**

Hmmmm...no boom yet...

I looked at Jools and said "Think it's safe?" when a madman covered in mud stomped in.

What the- and what is that smell?

**20 Seconds Later**

It's Elvis and what's more, that's not mud he is covered in!

I guess the old hut was an outhouse, that Elvis was currently ..busy in when Herr Kamyer blew it up !

Hahahahaha,happy days !


	6. And He Didn't Even Have On Any PANTS

**I do NOT own Georgia Nicolson or any of the characters or plots herewithertotheresofore(etcetc) that you may reconize...they belong to the wonderful,mad mind of Miss Louise Rennison.**

**Also,I do not own the 'Captain's Wife's Lament'-the band Paul and Storm do.**

**Saturday,October 23rd**

**6am**

Up early on a weekend and what is more...it is raining.

What else can go wrong?

**7 Minutes Later**

I HAD to ask,...

"Gingey! Ginger, I need to pooooooooooooooooooo!"

I burrowed under my if she sees I am sleeping she will-

Wrong.

I shot out of bed.

Bloody hell her botty is cold !

And sticky...Urghh...

**7:15am**

Tucked up on the couch.

This is what my life has come to.

Waking early on the weekend and sleeping on a slightly mouldy couch.

How does a couch mould,anyways?

It's not like it is ever used, except for when Mutti and Vati-

OH MY GOD I am never going to touch that couch ever again !

**8am**

Slept in the kitchen least I know Mum never uses this room (think happy thoughts...think happy thoughts...).

Dreamt Dave showed up at my house and snogged me in my bedroom area (oo-er! Not like that you naughty minxes!) then started kissing down my neck,then up to my ear.

Woke up and Angus was licking butter off my ear.

Oh,God,I got to number 6.5 with Anugs, ear snogging !

I shoved him off .

"Mum, Libby buttered me again!"

Mum poked her head into the kitchen "Well, why on Earth did you let her?"

Yeah,as if I'd let a mad toddler anywhere near my head.

But then she went on "You better get ready,Gee, we're going to Grandad's to go over wedding plans at 11."

"But it's only just gone 8!"

"Lord knows you need 3 hours to get ready,Gee,but you do."

And she went back off into the front room.

Huh.

I don't need three hours to get ready!  
It usually takes 5 hours just to cleanse, tonse,etc when I'm getting ready for a gig!

And that doesn't include hair,picking out an outfit,makeup...

I better get started on beautifying in case I happen to run into any gorgeousnosity.

Even though I have a Popstar Boyfriend,I must not let myself go.

Then I will be known in tabloids as "That fat, dim-type,sadsack stalkergirl who follows Superstar Rock Sex God Masimo Scarlotti and calls herself his girlfriend"

Good grief,I have nearly driven into the Valley of the Mad.

Must stop talking to myself and apply lashings of mascara...LOTS.

**1pm,Grandad's**

I am surrounded by a nightmare of plaid and wool.

And that's just the tablecloth.

The wedding is set for 28th February.

I said "So for every 4 years you'll be married one year?" and they all looked at me.

What?

**Teatime**

Still at Chez Mad.

Maisie has invited us to a house on the sea her son has got.

She has a son?

Good Lord.

It's probably Herr Kamyer!

But before I could get a chance to ask if it was Mutti said "We'd be delighted to spend the weekened with you Maisie!"

What,WHAT?

**6pm**

The cottage is named Splendour-By-The-Sea.

And it's a yellow roof.

When we drove up and de-er,Clown-Carred,I looked at Mutti

"Really?"

She shook her head "Yes, Gee,just ...be polite."

Vati walked by and said "If that means keeping your bloody mouth shut all weekend,I am willing to make that sacrifice."

Oh, how funny Oh Beardy One

**2 Seconds Later**

Not.

**10pm**

What a waste of good mascara. But at least I am al snuggly-buggly in a warm bed in the was the only place Libs was afraid to there's a silver cloud to every lining.

Mutti,Vati and the rest of them are drunk downstairs.

I know because Grandad has had a few of the lads around (if the Lads are over 130 years old and all have falsies..errrm,false teeth I mean).

Thankfully, they are not playing Abba.

Unfortuneately they are singing some sailing song,probably one Grandad learned in the days before he was booted from the War (probably the Crimean War) for being too mad.

The song goes:

The ship sailed into harbor  
After fifteen months at sea  
The captain hit the tavern  
With his crew of fifty-three

After drinking up their pay  
They staggered through the town  
But all the inns and public houses  
Turned the sailors down

The captain said "Fear not, me lads  
You all can come with me  
I live just 'round the corner  
And you all can stay for free"

But when the captain's wife awoke  
Upon the break of day  
They say that you could hear her wailin'  
Clear to Bot'ny Bay…

She said there's  
Seamen all around the bed  
And seamen on the floor  
Seamen in the bathroom  
And behind the closet door

There's seamen in the fireplace  
And seamen in the hall  
The living room is carpeted  
With seamen, wall to wall

There's seamen in the entryway  
And seamen on the stair  
And worst of all, there's even seamen  
In me underwear

There's some behind the larder  
And beneath the table, too  
I do believe your seamen  
Got into me Irish stew

There's seamen here in front of me  
And seamen in the rear  
My God—there's even seamen  
Hanging from the chandelier

There's seamen on the windowsill  
And seamen in the yard  
The seamen even left a stain  
Upon the Saint Bernard

Although I am a patient wife  
'Tis more than I can bear  
To wake up in the morning  
With your seamen in my hair

I ne'er again do wish to see thee  
Darken up my door  
So clean up all your seamen and  
Come round my way no more  
So clean up all your seamen and  
Come round my way no more!

Then laughing like loons.

I don't see what is so funny about seamen...

**2 Minutes Later**

.God.

Good Lord and good night.

**Sunday,October 24th**

**8am**

Brrrrr nippy noodles.

How can it get so bloody cold in an attic?

**2 Minutes Later**

That's how-someone's left my door open.

That same someone is in my bed with a Scuba-Diving Barbie, a wrinkled potato named "Pappy Poo-Poo" (don't ask,don't ask) and a canopener,

Close the door then maybe I can just snuggle down and...

**10 Minutes Later**

"Stick it there,THERE!"

CRASH,BANG

*pause*

THUMP THUMP crash THUMP

*footsteps,then-*

"Oh my God, call 999!"  
If Mutti and Vati are doing some new horrific sex thing I may DIE.

They are too old to act this way,like they are ...well,MY AGE.

And I don't even do...that.

Not that I wouldn't if Dave asked me...

**20 Seconds Later**

No,no !

Bad brain !

I am dating an Italian Sex God,remember?

**10 Minutes Later**

Went downstairs to distract myself from,erm,myself (oo-er!).

'If this is some new sexual thing I am going to keel over dea-"

I was agog as two gog ,er things.

Maisie was standing in the doorway crying, and Vati was on the phone.

"What's going on?"

Mum came up and hugged me..Usually I would have minded,and most likely vommed, but I was too full of gogs (whatever that means) to notice

"It's Grandad, Love, he's -he's gone."

It felt like I had been duffed vair hard in the stomach.

"Gone-like,dead?"  
"No..not exactly"

She looked at the open door.

Oh,God.

And that's when Maisie started crying ."And he hadn't even have on any PANTS !"

Oh GOD!


	7. Keep It In The Closet

**I do not own the Gee Nicolson stories (the luuuurvely and **_**tres **_**mad Louise Rennison does) **

A/N-OK I know it's been a loooong time since I had posted anything but,well,too bad

Hahaha I bet you lot threw your computers out your window ! Hahaha !

"We shouldn't"  
"Shhh"  
He was hidden behind coats but his heart beat could still be heard,beating faster which each loving stroke.  
They moved forward,to be pressed up one against the other.  
If they were lucky someone would think it was just a titch,locked in the cupboards again.

Luck, however, was not on their side.  
The pair pulled apart instantly as the door was suddenly yanked open and light flooded in.  
The light blinded the lovers and they jumped apart,blinking in the blinding glare of the school fluorescents.

.  
Luckily,the Titch only said "Oh! Rright,carry on as you were"and ran back to class.

The titch,a first year named Mikey, couldn't WAIT to tell the others what he had caught Masimo and Mark Big Gob doing in the hall closet!


End file.
